Freakapaloozer

Wow. S.F. was really weird as Randy kept reminding us, but not for the reasons that he thought. Simon's stunt to leave before the final contestant was judged was boring...and I'm not being rude when I say that. Oh wait, yes I am and I don't care. How in the Holy Hell is he not going to let that Hawaiian Hottie not go through and yet allow that barefoot monstrosity go through from last week? Everybody's too raw for me to bother remembering names, I just feel sorry (not really) for the people who can't sing but think they can. The look on their face when even drunk-ass Paula tells them "It wasn't for me" is so pitiful, it would be sad if I myself weren't a bottle and a half into my Merlot-hole.

One thing I think should be kept in mind. It is rare that we see the initial audition for someone that makes it into the top 12. All of those people that they show making it through don't show up until stage 2 "Hollywood" when things get really interesting, so I'm not forming an opinion about anybody yet. Sure, they may have aced their audition, but they practiced that same damn song over and over and over agaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin (Go Donna Summer, it's your birfday).

I will make a prediction about the Hollywood phase though:

1) One or more contestants will oversleep/go to the wrong place/end up partying too much with Paula and be disqualified.
2) One or more contestants will argue about the group number because they're not practicing as hard as the rest of the group/can't fucking dance/can't remember lyrics/aren't mulatto enough for Paula to help cheat.
3) One or more of the female contestants will decide that they don't "just can't handle it" and go home.
4) Randy will use the word "Dawg" one too many times and Simon will lose it.
5) Controversy will move from Paula's drunk-ass (my new moniker, ain't it cool?) to Ryan caught in a torrid love affair with the strapping Blond built Adonis from Greensboro...one of the few to make it. If he can remove himself from the twang he'll be fine.
6) Some idget will think he's Usher and to cover his mistake, try to woo Paula while the other two actually perform the rehearsed song/dance steps. It worked for Corey Clark's dumb ass, and the Army guy that danced with her on Tuesday had a similar approach. Don't these guys know that it takes her all of her strength just to pour the Gin into the Coke cup? She can't be getting up and dancing every five seconds, she's fall and break her face again. Straight up.
7) There will be gratuitous body shots of the better built contestants relaxing in the pool/jacuzzi. Not that I mind, just make sure you're recording it so when you go back to watch it at 3:00am (I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'), you will be able to tell who's attracted to whom....watch their eyes, they never lie.
8) Two of the girls will play "freeze out" to the 3rd in the dance portion because the girl's a diva, or won't do it the way they want to because their moves are stupid, or she's fat, or she stole her boyfriend, or some insipid combination therein worthy of the O.C./8th grade/ABC afterschool weekend special. I wish they had drama police that would just start smacking these idgets in the head for each occurrence of stupidity. I know, I know, the producers are probably egging them on because they think any drama is good drama, but like most situations, they are wrong and IIIIIIIIIIIIIII am right. The good drama is in the performance the subsequent judgment. Everything else is mindless fodder, and quite frankly, I'd rather have an egg McMuffin.
9) The one or two people that SHOULD go into the final 48 won't make it, and certain people will "never watch the show again" as a result. People, people, people - don't pick your favorite until phase 3...otherwise you're just setting yourself up for heartache. When it gets down to final 12, if your fav didn't make it, pick a NEW favorite. Vegas doesn't set odds until the final 12 anyway, so why get your panties in a bunch because your guy didn't cut the mustard 6 weeks prior? Let it go and you'll enjoy the show a LOT more.
10) And finally, finally finally:














SHUT UP Paula! Just don't talk . Nod your drunk ass "Yes" or "No" and that's it. Don't tell some idiot that you're proud of him and that he made it his own when he most obviously did not. It's insulting and that your drunk ass opinion actually shapes the final results of this competition sickens me. Not that I'm bitter.

A Lot of Hot Air

If we say something is, does that really make it so, or do we just show ourselves to be full of a lot of hot air? This question has bounced around my pinball machine of a brain all evening as I've watched contestant after contestant come in and "murder" their song selection of the evening. Of course that is AFTER they have talked themselves up to high heaven using such descriptions as "the whole package" and "I could be bigger than J-Lo" (true...just not the way you meant Rhonetta). But it isn't only the contestants who seem to want to define themselves or their actions by telling us what reality they want us to believe. Time after time Simon told us just how un-rude he really was. He declared over and over that in fact he wasn't being rude at all. These declarations always preceeded some comment that most of us really would consider rude, if it wasn't so dang funny! Time after time we found the contestants full of hot air and, YES, it carried over to the judges as well. North Carolina has produced the likes of Fantasia and that dreadful Barry Manilow wanna-be, Clay Aiken. Will the next Idol come out of North Carolina? Not if they take after Rhonetta or Marcus or the cutie who should have stayed the hell in the shower. Paris, between plugging his ears and yelling "No!" at the TV, proceeded to call the contestants "sucky!" ~foxy coxy~ rang in to say that she didn't remember Idols of the past being full of so much, "um garbage". Well, sweetie, I'll give the same advice to you that someone must be giving to Paula..."more vodka and diet coke and the world will sound so much more harmonious!" Marcus told me something new tonight...that Paula and Randy have a vocal coaching DVD. I probably would have been even more shocked at that little tid-bit of info had I not been completely taken back by their putting through of some guy named Chase, who offered to dress in yellow chiffon..."if it would make a difference and as long as he could have matching shoes." Ummmmm...NO! Chiffon (yellow or otherwise), with or without matching yellow shoes, won't make your voice any less dreadful! As I listen to Ryan wrap the show...hold up for a quick minute...did he just say only 9 people got through? Holy Batman and Robin! Well, I do have one that we'll do well to keep our eyes on. I was excited to see Ann Nesby of the Sounds of Blackness bring her niece who shared something very special with my 7 year old...the same name. As Paris started talking with that cartoonish voice I thought "oh heck, here we go"...but then she opened her mouth and sang that little ditty by the Dixie Chicks. I wanted more! Thankfully Paula had a moment of sobriety and asked little Paris to "bless" us all with another number. Little cartoon voice started talking about Billie Holliday, and then she opened her mouth and the pipes started blowing. Oh God...this girl can sing (even if when she talks she sounds a little like she's sucked in a butt-load of helium)!!! That's a wrap from my little neighborhood! j.