DRUNK PAULA

The Professor coined a "new" phrase last week when describing Paula ~ DRUNK PAULA (Sounds like it ought to be a collector's edition Barbi doll doesn't it?!)! Last night I decided she really went off the deep end. Part of me really is so morbidly interested in hearing her "yammer" on that I really don't want to write the rest of my post...but, as a responsible patron of the musical arts (I watch AI dammit...that counts), I really must say "Paula's got a problem y'all!" How do I know this...because I tried last night to keep up. I almost succeeded too...during the disaster that was Brenna's performance (and by the way...send that little hussy packing PUHLEEZ), they panned past Paula (seated on the end now thanks to some bizarre tirade against Simon), and I noted that her arms were stretched out on either side, gripping the table for support, quite obviously holding herself up and praying the "heaving" would stop. You may wonder why I'm so familiar with that stance...well, it's because I was doing the same damn thing...propping myself up and wondering when my "too damn much tequila" was going to come up all over my coffee table. I've never really considered myself a light weight, but 1/2 a bottle of Cuervo 1800 Silver later, I still wasn't anywhere near that nut case. AND SO...based on that evidence, I'm calling on the producers of this family show to do the following... Run a "warning" ticker underneath Paula when she gives her "critiques" that says "I'm drunk off my f***ing-ass and you're a good two shots behind me...catch up or go home!" Put Paula on a chaise lounge in a padded room overlooking the stage - she's too damn drunk to be sitting on a stage, even if Randy is there to catch her should she began to teeter over (we all know that Simon is too self-obsessed to notice should she fall off). If you insist on having Paula sit with the sober judges (although when one considers the residue of white powder halo'ing Simon's nostril the other night, I'm not sure he totally qualifies), institute a NO HITTING rule. I have a 7 year old who we are trying to teach NOT to hit when people piss him off. When his American "Idol" hits the guy who pisses her off the most...guess who's ALSO getting hit? You got it...ME! All because I said someone had to take a shower and put their pj's on. Finally, if you are going to insist on letting DRUNK PAULA show up for work, then it's only fair to invite those of us who at least attempt to keep up with her over to the theater/studio to keep her company. It's obvious she's needs more drunk people around her to laugh at her inane (and quite often completely pointless) observations...of course that's assuming she can actually finish said observation without trailing off like some wind sock blowing every which way at some no-named podunk airport on route 66. I would like to give DRUNK PAULA mad props though...I drank myself silly last night and she still had me beat (although you'd have been hard pressed to really know because neither one of us made a damn lick of sense). The really incredible thing is, she'll do it two more nights this week. After last night's debacle, I'll be lucky to even have another drink this month. Look for our contestant reviews and our picks after the boys bust out their pipes tonight. And don't forget to pay special attention to Paula...she'll be drunk and as we all know (thanks Dr. Phil), she's a little horny. I can see it now...slurred and on the verge of falling over, one DRUNK PAULA attacks _____________ in a booze-induced haze. Wouldn't that be a hoot-n-a-holler!!! j.