How do you spell love?

LaKisha Jones

...nuff said...

Ok...so you should know me well enough by now to know that "...nuff said..." is never enough said. I've always got something to say...whether you wanna hear it or not. It's both a curse and a gift. Perhaps having preachers for parents has a little something to do with being so outspoken. I dunno...anyway...bear with me because we've got a lot of ground to cover.

Speaking of parents, I got an e-mail last night from my mother informing me that she tried to read yesterday's diatribe before bed but due to the inclusion of so many four-letter words, she gave up and went to bed. She reminded me, in the course of her missive to me, that I am better than four letter words. Mom still bein' mom!

Maybe a little background is in order. Growin' up in my house meant regular church attendance (3 + times a week); absolutely no secular music (American Idol would have been out of the question); zero tolerance for television watching (again, another strike against American Idol) and little if any tolerance for words considered crass, uncouth, cuss-words, etc. Besides the obvious "cuss-words" there were other words on that list that might illicit a bar of soap in my mouth. Words such as:

Gosh
Heck
Golly
Gee
Gee Whiz
Darn
Oh My God
Pee

Words that were encouraged in my house were those 50 cent words I like to throw around periodically. You know the ones I'm talking about right...words like pedantic, bombastic (great words to describe me don't you think?). There was even a 3 dollar word that, while not encouraged, was even used on occassion. In case you can't figure that one out, I'll tell you: Queer. As in: Queer as a three dollar bill.

Growing into my own as a wordsmith, I have found that I like using those verboten words of yester-year. They have a rebellious sound to them and it makes me feel kind of like the "cool" guy hangin' on the corner. Sometimes these words are really the only words that fully express the emotive feelings illicited by some real or perceived actions. And in case you can't figure it out...I'm talking about the boys the other night. They sucked (opps...another of the forbidden words). Pardon me...they stunk to high heaven (this word is probably also forbidden in this context...but I think she'll cut me some slack). In truth, there was a direct causal relationship between their singing and my use of "questionable" words.

As my mother is one of my biggest fans, it pains me to no end to know that she didn't finished, what was admittedly (by me of course) an amazing bit of writing about how dreadful this round of boys really are. I don't like getting missives from my mom telling me how I flubbed the dub. I like it when I read that I'm the greatest thing since sliced cheese. As this is all about entertainment, I promise to try and clean up my act. But mom, when things really, really cry out for a word that is more expressive than an "oh my goodness", will ya cut me a little slack?

Back to Idol for a quick minute...I've booked 23 plane tickets this morning! I'm currently looking for a vehicle to cast Ms. Jones in that will fully exploit that amazing voice and stage presense. Without kicking over the altar that we've built for Jennifer Hudson, I'd like to profer this little gem...LaKisha Jones makes Jennifer Hudson sound like yesterday's news.

Does knowing that I'm a momma's boy AND love LaKisah make that much of a difference to you? I didn't think so! Tonight we'll send a bunch of has-been's and also-ran's packing. Since it really doesn't matter any more, I might not even watch! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

j.

Wake me up...

I have tried all day to come up with something witty and urbane regarding boys night on Idol. Surely twelve strapping, virile, young guys with angelic voices would have my house in a positive uproar. Alas, I was bored and at times quite disgusted with the whole shebang. At one point it got so bad I wished for that gawd-awful Ace from last season to come on and at least smolder at me for a minute. I thought that maybe a little weed might make the night more interesting, but all it did was give me the giggles and then the munchies and then the...well, hell, you've smoked before, you know how it works.

Anyhoo...American Idol somehow has moved away from the joy that captured us that first season. Now we have Ryan thinking he's a judge (please just shut him the hell up!). I mean come one y'all, do you really believe that Ryan and Simon have such an adversarial relationship? You do?! Shows how much you know! It doesn't take long to come across pictures of them hanging in Malibu or the Hollywood Hills. Heck, I've been on the patio at Moonshadows when they walked right past my table. Clearly their friendship is not how the producers make it out to be. But why feed us this line of horse dung? To boost ratings? Hell, they've got the highest ratings of any show since the rapture (assuming TV had been invented 2,000 years ago). Frankly, these little scripted fights between Ryan and the judges produces the biggest cringes from me and I'd dare say from just about everyone else who watches the show. Enough already!

By the way, since there really wasn't much going on vocally last night, I did catch a few other things that might be considered noteworthy. (1) Ryan has waxy looking feet; (2) Paula was trying to pawn off a dead animal from the 80s as her own hair; (3) Randy was still reeling from what must have been a "rock-star" weekend; and (4) hell...I can't think of a 4...

But what about the actual contestants you must be asking. Well, I could do a reprisal of that bunch of warbling last night but frankly you don't want me to...you know you don't. I mean, do you even remember the name of the guy who sang first (and don't cheat)? No...you don't. You probably don't remember the name of the guy who sang second...although he wasn't too horrible (and kind of cute). We do know that the guy who actually illicited a title of one of my columns was a one dribble wonder. He may have given great head during his audition but the sun no longer dances for him. Look to see him packing Thursday night.

Who did I like? Well, frankly the beat boxer Blake surprised the hell out of me. I read all the pundits yesterday who said he was nothing more than a gimmick. Bull!!! He did that Keane song proud...ok, so I didn't really like his falsetto...but damn!!! I also liked the guy who reminds everyone of Justin T a little bit. Do I remember his name? No...but I'm not real worried about that as I think he'll be back.

I don't know how many we'll loose this go around...but if it were up to me, I'd send 6 of them home right now. Tonight we'll sit through the girls. If they sing like the guys, our only hope will be that they dress like the transvestite hookers plying the street corners in and around Hollywood on any given night. Otherwise the show tonight will be a complete and utter washout.

And so, I end this little diatribe praying to Buddah and all the other gods/goddesses out there that changes happen and happen quickly because otherwise I'm gonna be outta a job (hahaha...yeah...like I get paid for this...rich ain't it). I leave you with a little youTube I came across of Blake Lewis performing live at the Columbia City Theater. Tried to find his performance from last night...but alas...it had been pulled...something about terms of agreement violations. Anyway...last night he came out swinging and I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't lay some more smackdown on us during the rest of the season!