Uh oh...it's the Apocalypse...everybody hide!

Ok - you know that feeling when you're watching T.V. and you realize that the cloying drivel being orchestrated by the Hollywood machine is forcing you to steel yourself with a jaded supernova shield, tempered with disdain and disbelief?

Of course you do.

And then a 64 year old contestant armed with a 300 person petition and a sob story tugs at your heart strings and you die a little inside. The defeat the Producers dolled out can not be forgiven. Even now, a good hour since I watched the episode, I can still see his face and hear his voice. For shame, Ryan, for shame.

It is the 3rd best show on television (Battlestar Galactica and The Daily Show can't be faded), but you have to watch it with a friend and you have to be drinking (red wine is preferred) for the formula to come out right. You have to be able to look at someone and go: "Did you see Paula's face? OMG, rewind it!" for you to qualify as a quality viewer.

Anyway, at the end of the bittersweet performance, I was actually moved. Like almost brought a tear to my eye moved - you could tell he was singing to his dead girlfriend (sidebar: Love it when he kept saying "My Lady"...means they weren't married...they were ACTUALLY in love, just so you know) and you could tell he sang it to her while in the hospital room as she counted the signatures, dying from cancer. He did better than a lot of the crappy ones they show in these beginning episodes, that's for sure. The best ones are the ones they're still doing background checks on.

Did you guys hear this crap about the Producers seeking to replace Paula Abdul with Courtney Love? Have you ever seen a better application of "Out of the frying pan and into the fryer" EVER? I think not! Say what you want about Paula Abdul (Lord knows I do), but dammit she's earned my respect as an entertainer. Simon's always right, but he's such a bitch about it, and Randy is....well he's Randy...so it often falls to Paula to at least make their reactions interesting. When she likes the singer (always a guy...hey Paula...pssssst...slow your roll turbo...could you be a little more obvious?) she looks at Randy, and when she doesn't like the performer, she droopily mugs the camera, trying to look professional and only pulling off looking fabulous and drunk. Fabulunk? Drunkulous? Now that she's successfully replaced Jaye P. Morgan from the Gong Show, how in hell can she be replaced? Especially by Courtney "Lifetime ban on Qantis" Love? Ew!

This is Professor Snoutch saying, "I'd rather have a drunk pill popper that looks flawless than a drunker, pill (and everything else) poppin' white trash mess anyday. She's actually got potential as an actress, I was shocked when she showed up in Basquiat and she's actually not half bad. As long as she's sober and everything that comes out of her mouth is scripted. Quite the opposite with Paula. I need her drunk and surprised and I'm a happy camper."

Birmingham = Big Bird?

We've been to Birmingham seems like every season and with good reason. Birmingham has provided us with two winners - Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks (shout out to the Soul Patrol). Frankly, that alone made me leary of going back! Not that I don't love the city, because it's beautiful and the people are over-the-top friendly. But dang it y'all, maybe it's time for a dip into a different pool.

Since I was obviously not thrilled about this foray into B-Town, I only half watched the show. Paula apparently decided that Birmingham was an especially appropriate place to crank up her already zany antics and so we were treated to several amazingly lifelike sea lion imitations, actually getting up out of her chair and walking off screen during one performance (granted that chicka may have been purty as they say in the South, but was off the scale when it came to annoying voices) and then putting through that one ding-a-ling chick with the speaking voice which sounded like my 4 year old neice on helium. Ok, Randy put her through as well and since Paula nearly always reads off of Randy's script it should not be a shocker, or considered weird for her to do it again here. It was her reasoning that made this one bizarre. In fact, it was so convaluted that I can't even begin to recreate it here. Suffice it to say little girl got lucky. Not surprisingly, given her bizarre antics, Paula was faced with some "family obligations" and took her leave.

I would love to say that the talent got better. Heck, I would love to say I was even a little bit inclined to watch the show. But truth be told, I found a scuff mark on a pair of shoes in the garbage can and decided now might be the time to do something about it.

Having finished that little project, I sauntered back in just in time to catch Big Bird make a freakish appearance. Birmingham, have you really been reduced to showing us 50 year old Big Bird wanna-be's...with no talent to boot?! See what happens when you keep dipping into the same gene pool? Eventually you'll start getting inbred freak shows like the one we saw last night. Maybe I'm just in a particularly foul mood today...but damn...

Until our next dip in the shallow pool of talent that is Los Angeles...

Ta Ta for now...

j.