Lesson 3: Cute Don't Cut It!

Kevin Covais aka Squishy aka Chicken Little Last night, as a family, we sat down and re-watched Tuesday night's performances. We were unanimous in our final three. We were also unanimous that Chicken Little had one of his better performances. Sure, like Lisa, you rather felt like you were sitting through the High School Musical (pick one, any one), but it's hard not to like this kid. When the bottom three was announced at 9p (for those of us on the West Coast), we compared against our bottom three and wonder of wonders, they were identical. To be honest, we thought it would be Lisa that would go home (I mean come on...did you see what she was wearing?), but we weren't really shocked to see little Kevin being sent packing. A little sad...but not shocked. Cute can only go so far!! Chicken Little, you made your dad proud...heck, you made us all proud! We salute you! j.

Plastered Paula Power Pilates

Real quick:

Love: Mandisa, Chris (although Coldplay called and want their sound/look/angst back), Katharine (note to the producers and stage managers: When giving the admittedly rough lumps of coal directions, please try to stop them hitting their marks with a cheese-eatin' stance and accompanying smile, it's aggravating and inherantly false), and Elliot.

Meh: Kevin Covais, Taylor Hicks, Lisa Tucker (although her outfit was distractingly bad, her vocals were off and her song choice was REAL SUCKY, she still has a great performance in the cue, provided she doesn't go home tonight) and Paris (yeah, she can belt it out, but her affected stage presence and neck poppin' give ME soft-tissue just by watching - girlfriend, work on less Whitney/more Patti...flow, don't jerk and you'll be ok).

Can't freakin stand: Bucky (bubye), PICKLER (clean up in aisle "HO", clean up in aisle "HO"...make up should never be applied with a putty knife and cauk gun...just sayin'), and ACE needs to go very, very far away...in a land where looking like a generic version of Gavin Rossdale and a falsetto penchant equal success instead of suck-excess). I suggest the next train to Bizarro land where even there he is relegated to cruise ships/amusement parks/karoake clubs/prison yards.

I've discovered a hidden gem within the realm of A.I..."Plastered Paula Power Pilates"

• 1st stance-"Sitting Touchdown"
  
• 2nd stance-"Standing Touchdown"
  
• 3rd stance-"Cross-arm Flappies"
  
• 4th stance (advanced) - "one armed Cowboy lasso 'wootwoots'"
  
• 5th stance-"Refilling Coke glass"
  
• 6th stance-"Popping Vicodin"
  
• 7th stance-"Simon shoulder hit/swing back center"
  

I'm out -

Prof.

Fanilow?

So, that's what their called? I met the illustrious Barry Manilow many, many years ago in a club in Kansas City. He was drunk, maybe I was too. He didn’t sing. Neither did I. That’s about as much as I have in common with the man. That’s not to say he’s not an excellent song writer or story teller, he just doesn’t really do that much for me. So, when I heard the theme was 50’s and we were to be subjected to Mr. Manilow, I nearly shut off the TV. Well, not nearly, but I did groan just a bit. In fact, I felt a bit like Elliott when he said “not a fan”…talk about a breath of fresh air (as opposed to the tons of smoke that usually gets blown in the direction of any celeb here in Hollywood). Of course, Elliott did turn into a “Fanilow” which gave me momentary pause. Had I been giving Barry the jaundiced eye for no good reason? Should I become a “Fanilow” too? I can’t say I find myself in the shoes of Elliott, but I’ve got to give Barry Manilow some mad props for giving us some seriously great arrangements because last night, we got treated to some amazing sangin’!! Ok, enough of the blather…let’s see who gave me fever this week: Mandisa – Don’t Hurt Anymore Last week Ms. ManDIVA told us not to worry about a thing. I worried a bit for her. Not this week! Simon said she came across as “sexy” and funny thing, I couldn’t agree more! What a way to open the show! As Emeril would say “BAM!” Bucky Covington – Oh Boy Hmmmm…I really, really like his voice. I was not overly impressed with this particular performance (“If I’m being honest!”). At least I don’t have to comment on his hair as Jessica Simpson’s stylist took a night off. Lucky for Bucky (hopefully that will translate into votes)!! Paris Bennett – Fever Why is it even necessary to say anything about this little powerhouse? She’s a stage whore! The stage calls and she answers! Yeah, she gave me a little bit ‘o fever last night. I’m still sweatin’! Chris Daughtry – Walk the Line I’ll be the first to admit that while I’ve admired Chris, I have not been his biggest fan. And then to hear him say he was singin’ Johnny Cash AND changing it up…shoot, I nearly had to call for his early removal. Let’s just say by the time he was done, I wanted to find whatever line it was that he was walkin’ and…’nuff said! If I was in the biz, I’d have this dude signed up already! Katherine McPhee – Come Rain or Come Shine Mr. Manilow said to sing it to someone. She said she had someone in mind. Me? I think so! Simon hit the nail on the head when he said that her performance turned her into a star! You coulda’ blown me down with a feather!! Bet Simon won’t forget her name anymore. Taylor Hicks – Not Fade Away First let me say that the “Silver Fox” (not to be confused with my local neighborhood gay bar) is in no danger of fading away anytime soon. Heck, it’ll be a while before he even makes it into the bottom three. Having said that, I didn’t think very much of last night’s performance, in fact, Simon was right…had that been the first time I heard him I’d have to pass! Lisa Tucker – Why Do Fools Fall In Love? Who cares about fools falling in love! That was not the all important “why” last night. In fact, I could think of a whole host of “why’s” for this dreadful performance. The first being “why the hell did you wear that obnoxious outfit?” What, was it teenybopper meets hooker night? And furthermore, “why in the name of all goodness was that the first 50’s song to pop in your head?” In fact, during her entire performance, all I could think of was “why are you still here?” Bottom three last week…my pick to go this week!! Kevin Covais – When I Fall in Love It’s not secret that I can’t stand Chicken Little. I think I used the work “puke” last week. However, he was…surprise, surprise…not the worst one last night. I rather enjoyed his little ditty. Do I wish he would go? Absolutely, but I think he saved himself this week! Elliott Yamin – Teach me Tonight Ummmm, if the topic is singing, ain’t nothin’ I can teach ya!!! Great scott, this boy can sing!!! And looks like ole Mr. Manilow even schooled him a bit on storytelling. Way to go Elliott! And BONUS for Barry…he’s got a new “Fanilow!” Kellie Pickler – Walkin’ After Midnight Damn! She did Patsy Cline proud!!! Minx, Mink, Tigress! You bet ya!!! The strongest voice? Nope! But she’s got a killer career in Country Music. With a story like her’s and that naivety, she’s gonna look back in a couple of years and find that she’s “come a long way baby!” HUGE!! Ace Young – In the Still of the Night Did you see him last week? I thought he had crapped himself when Ryan read his name…hahaha! Here he thought those good looks would send him sailing on through. Apparently not! Turns out having a fan base of seven year olds ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. You know, he had a couple of good moments last night…maybe even enough to keep him out of the bottom three…maybe. Melissa McGhee She’s gone…gone…gone…and I miss her! She was sexy, sultry and a whole host of other descriptive “s’s”…but you guys booted her, damn you! I hope y’all voted right this week!!! So that’s the wrap for this week. They're feeling more comfortable on the stage I think (well, all but the girl who should be doin’ a revival of The Lion King…go figure that she seemed the most nervous) and that’s a good thing. That means we get better performances each week! I would like to request that Ryan lay off all that poking at Simon. Geez, enough already! And if I’m being really honest, Paula could stay home next week. She needs a time out. Andy Dehnart may think she's the most important judge of the three, but I think it's just a ploy to get in her pants! Well ya’ll…that’s a wrap. Hey, don't forget to leave your comments! j.

Lesson #2 Know who in the "F" Stevie Wonder is!

Yeah, I know those crackers have every excuse in the world, but it's STEVIE WONDER for cryin' out loud. It's not like Bucky and Pickler aspire to be mechanics or Walmart Cashiers, they want to be pop stars, right? So, they have no excuse, especially for picking super lame songs and butchering the hell out of them. The fact that both had higher votes than Lisa Tucker amazes me. Makes me actually want to vote next week.

I agree with Melissa's departure...and America agreed....can't believe I wrote that. Being able to fast forward through the break is such a joy.

Next up, songs of the 50's...should be um interesting.

Lastly - Although Kevin's not going to win, I'm giving him credit for trying so hard. He brings his "A" game every night. Too bad his efforts are quickly trounced by the 5 divas, Chris and Elliot. They should be the top 7. Is it just me or did the judges arrange it so there's a Kelly Clarkson (Katharine), Clay Aikin (Kevin), Fantasia (Paris), Bo Bice (Bucky/Chris Combo), and Carrie Underwood (Kellie Pickler)? Are they so unimaginative that they're trying to recreate what they think America liked in the past by finding recent facsimilies thereof?

In the "meeting": Alright, we need a rocker, a country rocker, a country sex kitten, a pretty boy, a dork, a goofball, a vixen, Mandisa, a spitfire diva, soulty raspy kitten, and Taylor Hicks.

I bet that's a direct quote from some schmuck over at Fox. Oh well, whatchugondo?

Prof.

P.S. Shut up Drunk Paula. New game for spinoff potential: "Drunk Paula Madlibs". The only catch is, you have to use the same verbs and nouns for each changing story:

Nouns: Inner Light, inner beauty, Vicodin, Bourbon, touchdown,

Proper Nouns: Arsenio Hall, Emilio Esteves, Corey Clark

Verbs: Shined, "you made is your own", "you look great", "I agree with Randy", "I have an innerear infection and it's causing me to slur my words, use inappropriate and baffling gestures and sleep with mulotto contestants".

Don't forget, if Paula stands up, you have to "Cheers!"

If she does "Touchdown" you have to swig your whole drink.